Medication

Still finding the right dose for around my period. Gah this is frustrating. I hit terrible terrible lows. I hate it. 

Eeeewwww

How did I get so fat? When did that happen? OMG. This is gross. Must loose weight and loose it fast. Gross. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. On Friday I think I am going to join the gym. Not sure how we can afford it but I will make it work. I need to do something and something fast. 

Life

Well I am quitting McDonalds for sure now. Going in tomorrow to quit. I hate giving notice to places because I always feel bad. It is what is best for my family. I can't keep doing this to the kids. 

Looking up?

I am making some changes. First off I am quitting McDonalds. I love my job there but I need to be home with the family. I can work more at Walmart and make more. Second I am goin to start eating healthier. That's about it. I want to start loving my body again. 

So frustrated

I wish life wasn't so hard. I hate that we are poor. I hate how my life is. I just hate everything. 

It's Sunday

I told my family I didn't want to go to church but I was forced. So here I sit in the kids room watching the kids play when I would rather be sitting on the couch watching TV. I know that sounds terrible. But that is my mood today. I am

Stressed about tomorrow as I have too many things to do. I have a doctors appointment at 9:30 and then I work at McDonalds at 10. I also have to find time to vote. I hate being that busy and having things to do back to back. It stresses me out to much. My life is a mess and I hate it. I hate Terrace and I hate my life. I hate everything about it. Ok not everything but a lot of it. I hate feeling like this. It sucks. Maybe later I will feel better. I need to clean an organize my house and I need to be able to keep it like that. I just want to be normal. Church was boring. No message just a big promotion for some ministry with deaf people. The music was good though. I think I am just in a mood where I am not able to appreciate things like this. 

New meds

Well my new meds make me super angry all the time. This is the part about the meds I hate. Trying to find the right dose and med is hard and frustrating and sometimes a complete of money. Gah!! With the lower dose I had more panic attacks and with the larger doe I had less panic attacts but more aggression. It's like I can't win. My sex drive is a little better but not much. Grrrrrrr

Living pay check to pay check

I am tired of being poor. I am tired of living pay check to pay check. I really should go back to health care. 

September 30

Started my new dose of meds today. I felt a lot better. Although I was super angry for some reason. Everything was pissing me off. I must remember to eat. Eating keeps the grumpy's away. 

I have been laughing more lately. Things make me laugh now. This is huge for me! 

Doctor Visit

Wen to see the doc today. We increased my anti depressants and I got another Rx for Ativan. I have five Ativan left which is better then last time. I want to be off the Ativan for good. No I don't. I want to have it around I case of emergencies. For those just in case situations. I am feeling better though. I am laughing more an smiling more. We even had sex. That's a huge improvement for me. I didn't really like it but at least I tried. Getting better is so important for me. I know I should get counselling but I am not ready for it. Not sure what my issues are anymore. Focusing on me again. Love it! I may even try and go back to into health care eventually. We will see about that, but maybe one day. Who knows. Back to work tomorrow after being on night shift for a week. I went in for a few hours yesterday and was hoping to come in today but I was just too sick. We went out for a drive and some ice cream since it was too wet and rainy to go to the park. At least we got out of the house. 

September 22

Dan got fired and now the financial burden is back on me. I make $12.50 an hour and try so hard to make everything work. I know he appreciates me working so hard so he can stay home. I am scared that we won't be able to make ends meet. I am scared that we will loose the house. What is worse is that I am not able to show my fear. I must stay strong for Dan, the kids and everyone. On one hand I hate this but on the other hand I just want to give my family everything. It's a tough position to be in. I do not want Dan to know how scared I am. 

I find myself back on medication. After being on it just a week I am already seeing a difference. I am more focused, calmer and a lot more rational. I know longer feel like my life is spiraling out of control. This is a wonderful feeling! I am finding myself less irritated by the kids and my patience level has grown. We have a new five year plan and I am looking forward to executing it! Part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop however. This happiness can not last forever can it? Am I just in a weird transition phase to another part of my depression or is this for real? Whatever it is I am going to enjoy it!

Two years later and still suffering

It's been two years and I am still suffering from this crap. I am back on my meds. This time I have added Ativan to the mix. It's for those "just in case I am going to blow" moments. All I know is I can't keep livin life like this. I need help. And if this is what I need the so be it. I hate it but I know I will feel better in the end. Today I took an Ativan and felt better. Didn't put me to sleep like I thought it would. I am looking forward to living a productive life again. I guess only time will tell.