September 30

Started my new dose of meds today. I felt a lot better. Although I was super angry for some reason. Everything was pissing me off. I must remember to eat. Eating keeps the grumpy's away. 

I have been laughing more lately. Things make me laugh now. This is huge for me! 

Doctor Visit

Wen to see the doc today. We increased my anti depressants and I got another Rx for Ativan. I have five Ativan left which is better then last time. I want to be off the Ativan for good. No I don't. I want to have it around I case of emergencies. For those just in case situations. I am feeling better though. I am laughing more an smiling more. We even had sex. That's a huge improvement for me. I didn't really like it but at least I tried. Getting better is so important for me. I know I should get counselling but I am not ready for it. Not sure what my issues are anymore. Focusing on me again. Love it! I may even try and go back to into health care eventually. We will see about that, but maybe one day. Who knows. Back to work tomorrow after being on night shift for a week. I went in for a few hours yesterday and was hoping to come in today but I was just too sick. We went out for a drive and some ice cream since it was too wet and rainy to go to the park. At least we got out of the house. 

September 22

Dan got fired and now the financial burden is back on me. I make $12.50 an hour and try so hard to make everything work. I know he appreciates me working so hard so he can stay home. I am scared that we won't be able to make ends meet. I am scared that we will loose the house. What is worse is that I am not able to show my fear. I must stay strong for Dan, the kids and everyone. On one hand I hate this but on the other hand I just want to give my family everything. It's a tough position to be in. I do not want Dan to know how scared I am. 

I find myself back on medication. After being on it just a week I am already seeing a difference. I am more focused, calmer and a lot more rational. I know longer feel like my life is spiraling out of control. This is a wonderful feeling! I am finding myself less irritated by the kids and my patience level has grown. We have a new five year plan and I am looking forward to executing it! Part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop however. This happiness can not last forever can it? Am I just in a weird transition phase to another part of my depression or is this for real? Whatever it is I am going to enjoy it!